"The Refuge made me feel safe, the workers were my lifeline and gave me all the help I needed to get my life back together." - Refuge resident

safe use of this site

"The following information is taken from the Women's Aid website, www.womensaid.org.uk, and is protected by copyright to Women's Aid Federation of England ( 2006 Women's Aid Federation of England)."

Warning: if you are worried about someone knowing you have visited this website please read the following safety information.

Please note, the information below is for guidance only and may not completely cover your tracks. If you want to be completely sure of not being tracked online, the safest way would be to acceess the internet at a local library, a friend's house or at work.

How can an abuser discover your internet activities? Please take a few minutes to read the warning below and to take steps to increase your safety when visiting this website.

As a rule, internet browsers will save certain information as you surf the internet. This includes images from websites visited, information entered into search engines and a trail ('history') that reveals the sites you have visited. Please follow the instructions below to minimize the chances of someone finding out that you have visited this website. If you know what browser you are using, then skip to the relevant instructions below. If you do not know the type of browser you are using, click on Help on the toolbar at the top of the browser screen. A drop down menu will appear, the last entry will say About Internet Explorer, About Mozilla Firefox, or something similar. The entry refers to which browser type you are using - you should then refer to the relevant instructions below.

Internet Explorer: Click on the Tools menu and select Internet Options. On the General page, under Temporary Internet Files, click on Delete Cookies and then OK. Click on Delete Files, put a tick in the box labeled Delete all offline content and click OK. Under History, click on Clear History and then OK. Now look at the top of the window and click on the Content tab, select AutoComplete and finally, Clear Forms.

Firefox/Netscape: Click on Tools and then Options, then click on Privacy. Click on the Clear button next to Cache and Saved Form Information.

Opera: Click on Tools and then Preferences. Click on the Advanced tab and then the History section on the left-hand side. Click the two Clear buttons and the Empty Now button.

Deleting your browsing history: Internet browsers also keep a record of all the web pages you visit. This is known as a 'history'. To delete history for Internet Explorer and Netscape/Firefox hold down the Ctrl key on the keyboard, then press the H key (Crtl, Alt and H for Opera). Find any entries that say www.womensaid.org.uk, right click and choose Delete.

E-mail: If an abuser sends you threatening or harassing e-mail messages, they may be printed and saved as evidence of this abuse. Any email you have previously sent will be stored in Sent Items.

If you started an email but didn't finish it, it might be in your Drafts folder. If you reply to any email, the original message will probably be in the body of the message - print and delete the email if you dont want anyone to see your original message.

When you delete an item in any email program (Outlook Express, Outlook, Thunderbird etc) it does not really delete the item - it moves the item to a folder called Deleted Items. You have to delete the items in Deleted Items separately. Right-click on items within the Deleted Items folder to delete individual items.

Toolbars: Toolbars such as Google, AOL and Yahoo keep a record of the search words you have typed into the toolbar search box. In order to erase all the search words you have typed in, you will need to check the individual instructions for each type of toolbar. For example, for the Google toolbar all you need to do is click on the Google icon, and choose "Clear Search History".

General security: If you do not use a password to log on to your computer, someone else will be able to access your email and track your internet usage. The safest way to find information on the internet, would be at a local library, a friend's house, or at work.

Making a safety plan

"The following information is taken from the Women's Aid website, www.womensaid.org.uk, and is protected by copyright to Women's Aid Federation of England ( 2006 Women's Aid Federation of England)."

A personal safety plan is a way of helping you to protect yourself and your children. It helps you plan in advance for the possibility of future violence and abuse. It also helps you to think about how you can increase your safety either within the relationship, or if you decide to leave.

You cannot stop your partner's violence and abuse - only he can do that. But there are things you can do to increase your own and your children's safety:

Keep with you any important and emergency telephone numbers (for example, your local Women's Aid refuge organisation or other domestic violence service; the police domestic violence unit; your GP; your social worker, if you have one; your children's school; your solicitor; and the Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247).

Teach your children to call 999 in an emergency, and what they would need to say (for example, their full name, address and telephone number).

Are there neighbours you could trust, and where you could go in an emergency? If so, tell them what is going on, and ask them to call the police if they hear sounds of a violent attack.

Rehearse an escape plan, so in an emergency you and the children can get away safely.

Pack an emergency bag for yourself and your children, and hide it somewhere safe (for example, at a neighbour's or friend's house). Try to avoid mutual friends or family.

Try to keep a small amount of money on you at all times - including change for the phone and for bus fares.

Know where the nearest phone is, if you have a mobile phone, try to keep it with you.

If you suspect that your partner is about to attack you, try to go to a lower risk area of the house - for example where there is a way out and access to a telephone. Avoid the kitchen or garage where there are likely to be knives or other weapons; and avoid rooms where you might be trapped, such as the bathroom, or where you might be shut into a cupboard or other small space.

Be prepared to leave the house in an emergency.


Preparing to leave

If you have decided to leave your partner, it is best if you can plan this carefully. Sometimes abusers will increase their violence if they suspect you are thinking of leaving, so this can be a particularly dangerous time for you.

Plan to leave at a time you know your partner will not be around. Try to take everything you will need with you, including any important documents relating to yourself and your children, as you may not be able to return later. Take your children with you, otherwise it may be difficult or impossible to have them living with you in future. If they are at school, make sure that the head and all your children's teachers know what the situation is, and who will be collecting the children in future.

Thinking about leaving and making the decision to leave can be a long process. Planning it doesn't mean you have to carry it through immediately - or at all. But it may help to be able to consider all the options and think about how you could overcome the difficulties involved. If at all possible, try to set aside a small amount of money each week, or even open a separate bank account.


What to pack if you are planning to leave your partner

Ideally, you need to take all the following items with you if you leave. Some of these items you can try to keep with you at all times; others you may be able to pack in your 'emergency bag'.

  • Some form of identification.
  • Birth certificates for you and your children.
  • Passports (including passports for all your children), visas and work permits.
  • Money, bankbooks, cheque book and credit and debit cards.
  • Keys for house, car, and place of work. (You could get an extra set of keys cut, and put them in your emergency bag.)
  • Cards for payment of Child Benefit and any other welfare benefits you are entitled to.
  • Driving licence (if you have one) and car registration documents, if applicable.
  • Prescribed medication.
  • Copies of documents relating to your housing tenure (for example, mortgage details or lease and rental agreements).
  • Insurance documents, including national insurance number.
  • Address book.
  • Family photographs, your diary, jewellery, small items of sentimental value.
  • Clothing and toiletries for you and your children.
  • Your children's favourite small toys.

You should also take any documentation you have relating to the abuse - e.g. police reports, court orders such as injunctions and restraining orders, and copies of medical records.



Protecting yourself after you have left

If you leave your partner because of abuse, you may not want people to know the reason you left. It is your decision whether or not you tell people that you have suffered domestic violence; but if you believe you may still be at risk, it might increase your safety if you tell your family and friends, your children's school, and your employer or college what is happening, so that they do not inadvertently give out any information to your ex-partner. They will also be more prepared and better able to help you in an emergency.

If you have left home, but are staying in the same town or area, these are some of the ways in which you might be able to increase your safety:

  • Try not to place yourself in a vulnerable position or isolate yourself.
  • Try to avoid any places, such as shops, banks, cafes, that you used to use when you were together.
  • Try to alter your routines as much as you can.
  • If you have any regular appointments that your partner knows about (for example, with a counsellor or health practitioner) try to change your appointment time and/or the location of the appointment.
  • To choose a safe route, or alter the route you take or the form of transport you use, when approaching or leaving places you cannot avoid - such as your place of work, the children's school, or your GP's surgery.
  • Tell your children's school, nursery or childminder what has happened, and let them know who will pick them up. Make sure they do not release the children to anyone else, or give your new address or telephone number to anyone. (You may want to establish a password with them, and give them copies of any court orders, if you have them.)
  • Consider telling your employer or others at your place of work - particularly if you think your partner may try to contact you there.

If you have moved away from your area, and don't want your abuser to know where you are, then you need to take particular care with anything that may indicate your location; for example:

  • Your mobile phone could be 'tracked'; this is only supposed to happen if you have given your permission, but if your partner has had access to your mobile phone, he could have sent a consenting message purporting to come from you. If you think this could be the case, you should contact the company providing the tracking facility and withdraw your permission; or if you are in any doubt, change your phone.
  • Try to avoid using shared credit or debit cards or joint bank accounts: if the statement is sent to your ex-partner, he will see the transactions you have made.
  • Make sure that your address does not appear on any court papers. (If you are staying in a refuge, they will advise you on this.)
  • If you need to phone your abuser (or anyone with whom he is in contact), make sure your telephone number is untraceable by dialling 141 before ringing.
  • Talk to your children about the need to keep your address and location confidential.
  • If you stay or return to your home after your partner has left, then you will probably have an occupation order or a protection order. If the injunction has powers of arrest attached, then do make sure that your local police station has a copy, and that the police know that they need to respond quickly in an emergency. In some areas, there are special schemes to ensure a rapid response by the police and in other areas there may be projects that provide advice and additional security measures to make your home safe. However, it is important to know that you do not have to stay at home - with or without an injunction - if you do not feel safe there.

You could also consider the following:

  • Changing the locks on all doors.
  • Putting locks on all windows if you don't have them already.
  • Installing smoke detectors on each floor, and providing fire extinguishers.
  • Installing an outside light (back and front) which comes on automatically when someone approaches.
  • Informing the neighbours that your partner no longer lives there, and asking them to tell you - or call the police - if they see him nearby.
  • Changing your telephone number and making it ex-directory.
  • Using an answering machine to screen calls.
  • Keeping copies of all court orders together with dates and times of previous incidents and call-outs for reference if you need to call the police again.
  • If your ex-partner continues to harass, threaten or abuse you, make sure you keep detailed records of each incident, including the date and time it occurred, what was said or done, and, if possible, photographs of damage to your property or injuries to yourself or others. If your partner or ex-partner injures you, see your GP or go to hospital for treatment and ask them to document your visit. If you have an injunction with a power of arrest, or there is a restraining order in place, you should ask the police to enforce this; and if your ex-partner is in breach of any court order, you should also tell your solicitor.

In an emergency, always call the police on 999.


What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is a crime. It accounts for a quarter of all reported crime in the UK with 2 women being killed at the hands of a violent partner every week in the UK (Safety & Justice, Home Office 2003). Domestic violence / abuse covers a range of behaviours; it may be emotional abuse, intimidation, coercion or threats, it may include name calling, put downs, being controlled in what youre allowed to do, it may be being made to do things you do not want to do; it may be that you are not allowed access to money or are isolated from your family and friends it may be physical violence such as hitting, pushing, spitting, being burnt and it may be sexual abuse as well. Often the person committing the violence and abuse will minimise and deny their behaviour, blaming the person theyre abusing. The abuser could be your current or ex partner or a family member. Domestic violence is an ongoing pattern of behaviour where someone uses power over another person to control them and makes choices about when where and how to control and hurt someone.

Our definition of domestic violence is: "The use, attempt or threat of violence, whether physical, emotional, sexual, mental or economic, within an intimate and / or family relationship that forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour"


Who is affected?

Domestic violence cuts across race, religion, age, class, sexuality and disability, wealth and geography. The majority of domestic violence is perpetrated by men against women, although domestic violence also happens in same-sex relationships. In addition some men are abused by women, however research shows that around 80 90% of victims are women and that domestic violence experienced by men is less frequent and less severe. Women are more likely than men to experience threats, to be repeatedly assaulted and to require medical assistance. (Walby & Allen 2004)


Effects and consequences of domestic violence

Impacts on survivors

The impacts can be complex, far-reaching and long lasting. Children are also affected by living with and witnessing domestic violence and this can create many dilemmas for survivors as parents e.g. how to protect their children and whether to separate from their father or not. Decisions about separating or remaining in the relationship are very complex and involve difficult and different types of issues. Consequences can be physical (isolation, injury, exhaustion), financial (loss of income, home, possessions), emotional (living in fear of a partner, agencies response, the unknown, our own and our childrens safety, confusion and dilemmas, anxiety, guilt and self-blame, anger, loss of confidence and self-esteem) social (loss of opportunity, isolation, loss of employment) as well as homelessness, depression, self-harm and death.


Effects on children

Many survivors will try to shield their children from the violence and abuse but children and young people in the majority of cases will still be aware of what is happening. Many factors shape how children and young people react and how they are affected however the broad range of research available shows us that most children and young people will be affected whether it is from witnessing or directly experiencing violence and abuse. The effects of domestic violence on children and young people can also be complex, far-reaching and long lasting. There are significant bodies of research in this field highlighting this including Jaffe at al 1990, Royal College of Psychiatrists 2002, Bowker 1988, Wolfe et al 1985, Hughes 1986 and Holden and Ritchie 1991. Effects can include anxiety, low self-esteem and self-confidence, headaches, asthma, stuttering, and bed-wetting, sadness, withdrawal and fear, depression, alcohol and drug misuse disobedience, destructiveness in young boys nervousness, withdrawal and anxiety in younger girls more difficult temperaments and more aggressive behaviour in both sexes, social problems, problems at school, becoming a caretaker of adults in their life, sexual activity (sex as escape, promiscuity, unsafe practices) becoming an under or over achiever and running away from home.


Cost of domestic violence (Wallby & Allen 2004)

Annual cost 23 billion in the UK

  • 3.1 billion to the state
  • 1.3 billion to employers
  • 17 billion human suffering

Of the costs to the state the breakdown is calculated as follows:

  • Criminal justice system - 1 billion per annum (this represents one quarter of the criminal justice budget for violent crime including the cost of homicide to adult women annually of 112 million).
  • Health (NHS) - 1.2 billion (including mental health care estimated at an additional 176 million).
  • Social services - 0.25 billion.
  • Housing - 0.16 billion.
  • Civil legal services - 0.3 billion. (Walby, 2004).

Practical ways to help yourself

There are a number of different things you can do, which may vary depending on your situation and what you want.

  • Talk to a friend / someone you trust. They may be able to provide you with emotional support and / or practical help
  • Get in touch with a support service such as Survive, other Womens Aid groups, Police domestic violence officer or the National Domestic Violence helpline (see contact us or links) who can offer information and support and help you work out your options.
  • Make a safety plan for you and your children (see making a safety plan)
  • There are a number of legal options that may be available to you either through criminal law or civil law including getting injunctions to prevent your abuser threatening, hurting or harassing you. The agencies above can help with more information in relation to this
  • Report incidents to the police the police are there to help and protect and have specialist workers who can help survivors of domestic violence

Practical ways to help your children

There are many ways you can help your children, here are some ideas:

  • Make sure they know you love and value them, and they know the violence is not their fault
  • Dont assume all your children are feeling the same way talk to them and respect their different responses and thoughts
  • Help your children to build lots of contacts for support family and friends
  • Give your child time to talk when you can listen to them and let them express how they are feeling. If this is difficult for you, perhaps someone else can help you with this or take some of this on
  • Talk to your children about what is going on and let them feel part of the decision making, finding solutions and creating safety plan
  • Help your children to be confident - parentlineplus.org.uk has some good tips for building up your childrens self-esteem
  • Let them know it is OK to talk to other people about what is happening and that there are others who have experienced the same thing
  • Encourage them to express themselves and not to worry about upsetting you
  • Let them know it is not their job to keep you safe
  • Try to be positive
  • When your child is spoiling for a fight: keep calm, acknowledge their anger and them ask why. Think about your own behaviour and ask yourself if it is reasonable
  • Whenever your child behaves well (i.e. when theyre not behaving badly) give them praise
  • In an emergency make sure your children know what to do
  • Make sure they know how to call the police and if they do that they are able to say where they are
  • If your child is behaving violently, explain what will happen if they continue. Make sure you follow through if they carry on (make sure the consequence is something you can do, is realistic and reasonable)
  • If there is a lot of violent behaviour, speak to your GP, your health visitor or contact Survive or another Womens Aid organisation. Many have services for children and young people or can signpost you to other agencies who can help.
  • Let your childrens school know what is happening
  • Give your child the Childline no 08001111
  • Give them the internet address HYPERLINK "http://www.thehideout.org.uk" www.thehideout.org.uk - this is an interactive site especially for children and young people

How to help a friend

If youre worried about someone you know there are things you can do to help them whether they choose to talk openly to you about whats happening or not:

  • Be available to listen without passing judgement, they need to know youre there for them
  • Let them know youre worried about them and that you care without prying
  • Talk it over with another mutual friend
  • Know what other options there are and where to go to for help in case this is useful
  • Always prioritise your own and your friends safety
  • If you can help her have time out or a boost that can be really helpful
  • Be calm and supportive
  • Try not to antagonise the abuser this can be difficult to avoid but may make things worse if it happens


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